Ranking Different Forms of Fried Potato

Enjoyment, enlightenment, and emotional support: the fried potato is the true backbone of our society. Some of our readers may be wondering why, and if, fried potato is truly deserving of an unpublished article. If this was another magazine, I would almost be tempted to write a persuasive essay, but frankly (luckily), the world has seen enough of those, in the form of rushed English language papers completed by overly frantic students. Before we receive any passionate hate mail shaming us for including veggie fries on this list, this article as written with the guideline “fries in the title or potato associated.” And, to be honest, without that variation, all of your eyes would bleed from the monotony of the rankings, only different in their shape and size. Or so you thought…

French Fries

Starting off with the most obvious choice - the french fry. For the sake of my own peace of mind more than anything, I decided to break down the umbrella category of French fries into even more subcategories, because the term is ambiguous enough to be overanalysed by an English teacher (having been repeatedly told to “include more nuance,” it is becoming ever more apparent that my strong opinions just cannot be silenced).

Skinny fries - 7/10

The pinnacle of potato consumption. Sure, it’s basic, and other potato forms may be ranked higher on this list, but where would they truly be without the skinny fry? And this doesn’t even refer to its origins - because, as our readers will soon discover, that is a highly contested topic. The skinny fry is undoubtedly the most popular and well-known choice. Without it, none of us would have the courage to venture into the absolutely terrifying possibilities of - get ready - a differently shaped type of fried potato (slightly over dramatic, but when reading an Unpublished article, a given.) However, when I mention the skinny fry, I am picturing a perfectly cooked, savoury dish. A whole other ranking could be done on skinny fries from different fast food places, but while I have neither the time nor energy to complete this, just know the stale McDonald’s fries would be comfortably settled into the last place slot.

Potato wedges - 6.5/10

(yes, these are considered a french fry)

Structuring my opinion on these wedges was actually quite difficult (more than one might expect when ranking fried potatoes, anyway), because of the identity crisis that accompanied them. Looking at the potato wedge photos on google was almost more stress-inducing than the amount of tabs needed to source all this article’s images in the first place (people with more than a couple tabs open at a time are maniacs, but that is a rant for another article). Beef loaded or vegan, plain or paprika dusted, crunchy or GRILLED - it seems that potato wedges are the scraps of the potato world left behind for niche cooking blogs to fight over. 

Not to worry - the origin of the potato wedge is just as confusing as their appearance. According to Unpublished’s highly trusted, highly exclusive sources  (Wikipedia) potato wedges are the earliest form of the fry as we know it, which can be traced back to Belgium in the 17th century. They were cut into fish shaped fries, which, given the frozen river Meuse, seems to have been a desperate attempt to pretend they were eating all the fish that was left un caught, due to their being stuck under the ice. I have not yet decided whether this is more tragic than it is hilarious, but my analysis of ‘duality’ in English essays will never be the same. However, some sources argue that the fry did not come into fruition until a century later, in 1800s Paris. For the sake of everyone’s amusement, I am choosing to believe the Belgians did it first. I can sense the disapproval of the history faculty already - both for my use of Wikipedia and admittance of bias (I felt the shame intensify as I typed out ‘bias’ - perhaps Ms Bailey's training will never truly leave). In my defence, the “evaluate and compare these sources” questions were a deciding factor in my dropping of history in year 9.

Thus the potato wedge is awarded an entire half point higher than originally planned, not necessarily for the taste, but for the intellectual roller coaster it has taken me on. These wedges also look easier to make than regular French fries, which given my food tech track record (not amazing…) comes as a relief.

Curly fries - 9/10

Every time I queue for Friday lunch, I get a rude awakening when I see the decidedly NOT curly fries. #bringthemback The realisation that the new year 7s have never experienced this bliss made me feel both incredibly old, and nostalgic for a time when curly fries were the standard, not a long gone dream. We truly did not know how lucky we were to be blessed week after week with these paprika dusted bites of joy. If this article has any lasting impact, may it pass the story of curly fries down to the next generation of godolphin students - since, with no return in sight, it looks like they are nothing but the ramblings of the upper years ‘glory days’. By that, I mean, pre exam/coursework dread, of course. One point is docked for how many times these fries got compared to my hair - still unsure whether that is a complement to my lengthy curly hair routine, or an underhand way of calling my hair greasy (said lengthy hair routine becomes much shorter around exam season). Although I would prefer to believe it is the former, the doubt does make me slightly relieved that I no longer have to worry about that comparison.

Sweet potato fries  - 3/10

I am honestly tired of pretending these are anywhere near as good as normal fries. Low and behold, if a restaurant only offers sweet potato fries in place of the real deal, please mentally prepare yourself for the health kick ahead. Although these fries are actually delicious once you get used to them, can they give you the strength to power through revising all of your biology flash cards the night before a topic test? Not to mention the additional emotional support needed once you realise how much work you’ve got left to do. After spending half an hour desperately trying to memorise the causes of coronary heart disease, an increase in cholesterol levels in french fry form is more of an act of spite than anything, which just cannot be replaced with sweet potato.

Potato waffles - 10000/10

Saving the best for last here. I’ve been in enough spirited debates to know that this is truly a controversial opinion, but potato waffles trump every other option on the list - and YES, that includes curly fries. Every Christmas lunch, the highlight is somehow not the pigs in blankets, the Yorkshire puddings, or even the Christmas crackers, but the golden squares of goodness that are rationed out to each plate. One of the many rude awakenings that take place in year 7 is the lingering disappointment of the first Christmas lunch, when you’re only allowed two potato waffles - three, if you’ve been blessed by the spirit of Christmas. To all the curly fry defenders out there, I beg you to reconsider before hunting the unpublished team down - just think of the many potato-waffleless months looming up ahead of us. And to those who are more proficient in the written word, perhaps my use of “potato-waffleless” will let you infer that my essay plans are NOT going too swimmingly, and take pity. However, you are more than welcome to refrain from expanding and explaining that point - I would much rather not face what the quality of my Mr Hyde essay exacerbates or suggests. 

Special mentions to…

Zucchini fritti - 4/10

Although not technically a potato, I felt they deserved a mention. When done right, these are surprisingly tasty. However, ‘done right’ usually means there is more of the fried Parmesan exterior than actual zucchini, which perhaps says something about the true quality of the dish.

Tater Tots - 8/10

When I first tried this American delicacy, I really tried to stay true to my (questionable) nationalistic tendencies - but there is just something about a tater tot that makes it 10x tastier than the nearly identical hash brown. I have not yet tried the famous milkshake tater tot combo, but thinking about it now, was the combo ever really famous, or just a recurring theme of early 2010s Disney channel? I suppose we’ll never know.

Crisps - 10/10

I couldn’t rank potato forms without mentioning the ominous elephant in the room. While I managed to tackle the problem of the ‘french fry’, the thought of trying to rank the impossibly large crisp category (just picture the tescos grab bag aisle) was frightening enough on its own. Maybe in another life, or article, but something tells me our audience has had enough of reading about potatoes for now. Crisps are, of course, awarded a full score.

And thus concludes my in depth review of potato forms, and the regrettable return to my English revision. (Maybe some of our more astute readers noticed how many times I referenced my English struggles - an amazing use of foreshadowing, to be fair.) It’s safe to say I went on a journey while writing this article - expecting a quick writing session with perhaps a longer paragraph on potato waffles, and leaving with a newfound knowledge, terror and slight awe for the internet controversy and all around sensation of potato wedges (there was more too - if anyone wants to know about the implications of oil prices on the legitimacy of potato wedges, the paragraph is somewhere on my notes app). Happy half term everyone!

Xoxo

The Unpublished Team

Hungry yet?