In the highly unlikely event of zombies (yes, I know they don’t exist (yet) but suspend your disbelief for a few minutes to indulge me) invading the school, or potentially even rising from within the school? I know I’ve certainly felt like a dead girl walking after more than a couple Friday period 5 maths tests #why #notfun, I feel it is of paramount importance that I give you my completely unbiased and completely, 100%, totally accurate (you can quote me on that) ranking of the survival timeline of Godolphin year groups. Don’t bother arguing; you won’t change my mind.
Sixth form: 1 Week
Let’s start off with the year groups I believe would survive for the least amount of time: Sixth Form. Now, I don’t believe this is due to a lack of skill, no, in fact, if this was a skills ranking they would likely come first; with deadlines stretching out in front of them as far as the eye can see and a countless number of extracurriculars they tell themselves will come in handy one day (when? I guess we’ll never know), the sixth form certainly know how to get things done. Alas, this ranking is not purely skills based (of course, I could have written that… but that’s not really quite as fun. Sorry Sixth Form… better luck next time!). There is one significant factor that we must take into account: willpower. This comes hand in hand with the exhaustion of having come up through all the younger years of the school, realising that each year only gets harder and harder and so, as a coping mechanism, adopting the ‘whatever will be, will be’ mentality. Unfortunately, this only enables survival for a measly week before being defeated because you’re too busy worrying about your EEs, EPQs and a bunch of other acronyms for ‘way too much work’ (seriously, what’s with all the acronyms?) to have any energy to waste on fighting off zombies. Honestly, I get it, but maybe shuffle around your priorities a little bit.
Year 10: 1 Month
Ah, Year 10, equipped with enough brightly coloured flashcards and ring binders to drown any army of zombies, hence why they survive for a significantly longer period than the sixth form. I admit, deciding who should take the (not so) coveted position of second to last place was no easy feat as all remaining candidates would survive for a fairly respectable amount of time (yet again, sorry sixth form). However, I did eventually (shocking everyone- I’m a very indecisive person) bestow this honour upon Year 10. Having just been catapulted into the glorious (see: horrific) world of GCSEs and responsibility, they have lost the same innocence and youthful vitality (that’s me being nice. I’ve never seen a Year 7 not sprinting like their life depends on it for lunch. Actually scary.) generally associated with the lower school, but have not yet gained the work ethic and general sense of impending doom that comes with the older years. This ultimately results in the Year 10s being fairly successful in this apocalypse to begin with (think: throwing textbooks at the zombies with some level of glee as they now have a valid excuse to not do their Physics homework) but quickly fizzling out as they realise they may have underestimated the gravity of the situation. It’s ok, Year 10, we’ve all been there.
Year 11: 3 Months
In the middle of the pack at three months is Year 11. Having adjusted (ish… do you ever really fully adjust?) to life in the middle school more than the terrified Year 10s and being more prepared (supposedly) for exam life, the Year 11s are simply just a more evolved Year 10 and thus, naturally, would survive for longer. However, as the exhaustion of weekly ‘mini quizzes’, ‘spot checks’ or any other variation (see: avoidance) of the word ‘test’ (we all know what you mean. Using more vague phrasing won’t make us less stressed. Sorry to burst your bubble.) starts to become increasingly debilitating and the heightened level of mass hysteria seems to ripple through the entire year group making them ‘as wild as harpies’ (unfortunately I’ll never forget any quote I learnt from Jekyll and Hyde even if I think I have. Ever. They’ll all be deeply entrenched in my subconscious just waiting for the right moment to reveal themselves. Essentially: sleeper cells). This will inevitably cause the eventual surrender of the year group, much like sixth form, as they all cease to function like normal human beings. The only reason they’ve lasted this long to begin with is because they have achieved the small miracle of making the zombies more afraid of them than they are of the zombies. How? You may ask (you’re probably not asking but I’ll continue to answer regardless). To put it simply, they use the zombies as their own personal therapists, complaining to them about how they should have taken French instead of computing. Me too, Year 11, me too.
Year 9: 6 Months
Just falling short of survival we have Year 9. There seems to be some rapidly intense transformation that takes place between Years 8 and 9 at which point the excitement and enthusiasm of the younger two year groups abruptly comes to an end, instead being replaced by an all-consuming desire for nonchalance and ‘coolness’. Equipped with more than enough clumpy mascara and hooped earrings (they’re not huggies, Year 9, no matter how much you try to gaslight people into thinking they are) to prompt several talks on makeup and jewellery rules and with a scarily large amount of North Face black puffer jackets that I’m fairly certain could withstand any amount of things thrown at them by zombies. This in particular (as well as the fact that I’m pretty scared of you as a whole and I’m not even entirely sure why) leads me to believe that you would last for a very substantial, respectable time in our apocalypse. However, you just fall short of complete survival. Sorry, Year 9, maybe if you had tried to hold onto your child-like wonder and enthusiasm, you would have made it out of here.
Year 7 & 8: Survivors
I suppose it’s no surprise to anyone that the youngest two year groups would inevitably make it out of this dramatic, tragic, 100% realistic situation alive. With their boundless energy (I’ve legitimately been crashed into by more Year 7s than I can count) and their singlehanded saving of pretty much all Godolphin clubs and societies (seriously, where would we be without the lower school students being bribed to come to clubs with the promise of food) Years 8 and 7 are certainly forces to be reckoned with. With Year 7’s ability to throw caution to the wind, mercilessly trampling anyone and anything that comes between them and being first in the queue for early lunch (on a more serious note, it does legitimately sound like a hoard of elephants are running around the school as soon as the clock hits 12:45. Very distracting to those of us trying to do Spanish speaking practice in peace. Be better.) and Year 8’s ruthless determination to excel in each extracurricular they have flung themselves into (unfortunately, I quit before I made it out of development netball so you’re doing a lot better than me), this makes them the perfect candidates to defeat the zombies and make it out alive. Congratulations. I know if I was a zombie, I would surrender the moment I saw you. Well done.
Until next time...
Xoxo
The Unpublished Team xx
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