As the dolphin student body gets ready to dive into yet another school year, a number of pressing matters float to the top of the troubled waters, worse than your typical homeworks , timetable stresses, or even this terrible ocean metaphor. I am, of course, talking about school supply shopping. Countless hours have been spent mindlessly scrolling through colourful websites and overly enthusiastic American back-to-school hauls. This naturally results in trying to fulfil the magic of the Walmart school section in the local Ryman’s, and ultimately being unsuccessful.
With the magic of back to school season in mind - though whether this is a blessing or curse is debatable - sit back, relax and enjoy this ranking of those classic back-to-school supplies that will undoubtedly spend their lifetimes littering backpacks for many years to come (because deep-cleaning a school bag is somehow never truly successful).
Stanley water bottles - 7/10
Despite never owning one myself, the functionality of this water bottle can certainly be appreciated, due to it being seemingly large and heavy enough to cause injuries almost as severe as the staple netball-to-the-head incidents (rite of passage godolphin experience at this point). The Stanley is not merely a water bottle: it’s a commitment - one that needs 5 other various aliexpress attachments to reach its true form. In an attempt to connect with our Year 7/8 audience, I’ve had the privilege of watching this process unfold over the summer, and have to conclude that the joy of “preparing” the Stanley has replaced American Girl dolls and Tamagotchis alike. Although the receiver of affection has changed, the stress of taking care of an inanimate object is a cycle that no generation can escape.
The most notable example of these attachments is the Snack RingTM, although one has to wonder how our beloved faculty would react to this glorified snack platter being carried down the hallways. Having been chased down multiple times for a half eaten tuck shop cookie myself, I wish any Stanley carrier brave enough to try the best of luck.
Smiggle pencil cases - 6/10
Mention the name “Smiggle” and a neon, glittery wave of nostalgia follows in its wake. In retrospect, perhaps the £8 mermaid high heel keychain (now buried in the depths of my desk drawer) was not the “height of fashion” and “an absolute must” for my school bag, although I’m sure it impressed at the time. Nevertheless, points must be taken off for how little could actually fit into those comically large pencil cases: despite having an endless amount of ‘secret’ pockets, you would always have to store half of your supplies in a much less acceptable, plain WHSmith case. Eventually, with the looming threat of GCSE’s and A-Levels, the mandatory clear pencil case replaces the sparkly spectacles of Year 7. Simpler times, when your biggest worry wasn’t the ominous onset of mocks but, far more crucially, exactly which mermaid case would make the best impression - a very difficult decision, to be fair.
Friction pens - 2/10
At first glance, this may seem like the most boring choice on the list - after all, how can a pen compare to the dynasty of the Smiggle empire, for example? However, those who are sceptical are not yet aware of the iron strong grip they have upon their users. The brand has nothing short of a cult following, with regular ink, marking pens and even highlighters lining the pencil cases of those who have been entrapped in its scheme. Breaking free from this cult in Year 9 was an eye-opening experience - namely going to Rymans and realising I would have to sacrifice my bubble tea addiction to fund my dependency on the blue inked tool. Upon switching to biros, and discovering simply crossing out mistakes did not, in fact, make my work spontaneously combust, life became more peaceful, carefree and easy. My work hasn’t rubbed off on the table since, and regular trips to Cha Time are still in order.
Book - 10/10
Ahh yes. The infamous book: ambitiously brought to school, read during breaktime, and probably inspired by one of those “romanticising school life” or #darkacademia tiktoks. These books are almost always left abandoned at the bottom of the aspiring intellectual’s backpack, for more entertaining endeavours, such as spontaneous tuck shop trips. Bonus points if it’s a book that is purposefully pretentious - Donna Tartt’s ‘The Secret History’, or any penguin clothbound classic, to name a few. However, from experience, after being battered and bruised by whatever mystery items lie at the bottom of your backpack (perhaps a water-filled Stanley with an open straw?), said pretentious book will lose a significant amount of its ‘air of mystery’. I award this item full marks, as its faults lie in the ambition of the reader, not the book itself. Perhaps it will have better luck in a private study form time - that is, unless the Wordle hasn’t already been completed.
Honourable mentions go to…
Body Mist - 5/10
On the first day back at school, you can always expect the smell of Sol de Janeiro 62 to linger in the corridors. The smell almost always originates in the Year 7 hallway - one just has to assume their Cheirosa-trained noses have become accustomed to pistachio, salted caramel and vanilla accents.
Ruler - 3/10
More of a personal bias, as I don’t think I‘ve gone more than a year without breaking or losing one.
North Face puffer jackets - 9/10
The epitome of comfort, and a staple in the closets of Godolphin students. One point is taken off merely for the amount of times I’ve had a stray arm dangling off the top of the lockers smack me in the face as I retrieve my folders.
And thus concludes my judgement of your back to school haul… Hopefully this article keeps your back-to-school spirit alive for at least another few days, until actually needing your homework diary bids your fanciful behaviour goodbye. See you in two weeks…
Xoxo
The Unpublished team
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