Judging You Based on your Email Sign-Off

I’m sure we all remember the thrill of receiving our iPads at the beginning of Year 7. With their shiny screens, not yet battered cases and the promise of a greater authority and sense of importance than our little eleven year old selves had ever experienced before, we quickly became very dependent upon them. However, after getting to grips with the new, shininess of it all, the second week of school comes around and you realise you’ll have to miss Chemistry on Wednesday because of your first oboe lesson and thus (fearing the dreaded Conduct Concern; a true terror in the eyes of a Year 7) an email (imagine a studio audience gasp here. Thank you.) must be sent to your teacher. Now, starting the email is easy and the contents are a breeze but what part causes the most painstaking, methodical deliberation and analysis? The sign-off. Yet again, please imagine a studio audience comically exaggerated gasp here. Thanks. Now, without further ado, let’s take a look at some of the most popular choices I’ve seen.

‘Kind Regards’:

A classic. A staple. An icon. Where would we be without the sturdy, dependable ‘Kind Regards’. Truly, it is brilliant. With just the right dosage of cold, detachment to be seen as appropriate for a professional email but also just enough politeness to show that you don’t feel complete hostility towards the recipient (although it can be very passive aggressive depending on the context which, truthfully, makes me like it more. I’m not a nice person. I derive pleasure from judging email sign-offs. That is not nice person behaviour.), this is a very solid, respectable choice. If this is your go-to, honestly there isn’t much I can say to criticise you (shocking, I know. Please imagine the studio audience gasp again. I’m getting my use out of that today. Appreciated.) Although you may not be very original and a little bit boring, at least this choice gets the job done in an efficient, respectful manner. You’re probably a very busy person. Either that or you get stressed easily and have decided to go for the safest option in case anyone gets mad at you because, let’s be frank here, nobody is looking twice at this sign-off. Fair enough. I can, begrudgingly, back this one. Well done.

‘Best wishes’:

Now, this one is very similar to ‘Kind Regards’ but with the very key difference of being more explicit, more open in its warmth. This sign-off is overtly telling the recipient that you wish them the best. Very risky. Although, yet again, there can be some passive aggressive undertones to ‘Best Wishes’ for instance, if it is clear you do not in fact wish the recipient the best, adding this sign-off to the end of your email closes your argument off very nicely as it does one of two things. Either it lulls them into a false sense of security (isn’t there some psychological study that says that the endings of things can alter a person’s experience of the entire event? I may be making that up. I’m not sure. No, I will not google it. You can google it for me if you feel that strongly. Goodness.) or it fills them with indomitable anger and frustration at your courteous civility. You win either way. Good job. If you’re using it in that crafty, sly way I wholeheartedly approve. However, if you genuinely do wish everyone the best then I respect you, admire you, am jealous of you but alas I can not live the way you live. I’m sure you’re a lovely person. You may carry on like this. I give you my blessing. You’re welcome.

‘Thank you!’:

So chaotic. So sweet. I have some questions. If you’ve changed whatever setting it is on your device (yes, I have a GCSE in computer science. Yes, I know nothing about real life technology. We exist.) to permanently sign off your emails with ‘Thank you!’ (some people may forgo the exclamation point but I feel it adds to the whole atmosphere of this choice and, ultimately, I’m the one writing this article so I can do whatever I want. #sorrynotsorry) then that implies that you are always asking for something in your emails. Now, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I myself am guilty of this, and after all, who has time for superfluous emailing? Only email people when you want things from them. Sounds like good life advice to me (it’s not actually good life advice. This is a joke. Do not quote me on this.) If this is in fact your go-to sign-off, (it always alarms me to have two words with hyphens in them next to each other. I feel like I’m looking at two teams of words against each other. I can hear your judgement through my computer. This all makes a lot of sense to me. Shh.) I must say I’m a fan. While you seem to be a bit of a pushover, this is probably the friendliest email closer of the bunch and for that alone I shall approve of your existence. Although if you do want to switch it up a little bit, try signing off a couple less important emails (seriously, don’t do this for important emails; I don’t want to be liable for anything) with ‘You’re Welcome’. That would go down a treat. 

Just your name:

You are insane. I am terrified of you. There is no saving you now. I should literally end this section here. I understand that you are a busy person, but stamping your name at the bottom of an email is like a slap to the face. First off, it’s completely unnecessary. The recipient already knows who the email is from just by looking at the sender’s email address meaning that, by writing out your name again at the bottom of the email with no sort of well wishes or regards, you are consciously, firstly, reminding them of your presence (a little bit attention seeking if you ask me) and secondly, showing the recipient that you couldn't care less about them and are willingly omitting some sort of pleasantry that would only take a grand total of two seconds to add. Not good. If you are one of these people, please refrain from reaching out to me. I do not wish to witness this atrocity first-hand. Normally, I would be able to come to terms with our differences and allow us to coexist peacefully but, alas, you horrify me. Sorry. I am aware my disapproval may come as a bitter disappointment to you but so be it. Be better.  

‘Sent from my iPhone’:

You. Where would we be without you? I simultaneously love to loathe you and loathe to love you (yes, that sentence took me far too long to write. Let’s move past my penchant for confusing syntax.) If you regularly use this one, let me just say I admire you. Your lack of care for pleasantries and other people’s perception is instantly apparent. To be completely honest, in the true spirit of high stakes investigative journalism (as of course this is), I have very rarely seen this one used in emails of the utmost importance. Thank goodness, might I add. I fear it would give the wrong impression to the recipient. Maybe forgo this one when you’re trying to explain why you absolutely must have that extension on the English essay that was due two weeks ago. Thank me later. While the sheer iconicness (I have no idea if that’s a word. Nor do I care. If it’s not already, by the power vested in me by Unpublished, I declare it is one now.) of this would probably be enough to warrant my absolute approval, unfortunately, my approval, I can not give. Although you do elicit a warmth in my previously cold, unfeeling heart, I just can’t find it within myself to back how little you seem to care. Like, do you not feel stressed every time you send an email? How do you deem this an acceptable sign-off? Anyway, each to their own I guess. 

Thus, we have reached the end of my (not-so) scathing judgement. I thought I’d let you off relatively lightly this time seeing as most of these (I’m looking at you psychopaths who close with just their names) are actually fairly tolerable. You’re welcome. Now, run along before I have the chance to change my mind.

Xoxo

The Unpublished Team