Would You Rather?

You’re minding your own business, doing your work that is due tomorrow, and suddenly your friend springs upon you the most mind-bending, stress-inducing question known to humankind. Now, no one is technically forcing you to answer, but the sheer absurdity of the question just begs to be answered. Before you know it, you’re spiralling into a pit of ‘what if’s?’. At Unpublished we live to be helpful, so we’ve compiled a couple of the worst (or best) ‘would you rather?’ questions that the internet has to offer to provide some valuable insight on how to answer if you are cornered with these troublesome questions.

WOULD YOU RATHER....

...have to hop everywhere like a kangaroo or waddle like a penguin?

Starting off strong as you can see - very complicated. There are two factors which I believe we must consider to assess which of these is the better form of travel. The first is efficiency. Kangaroos can apparently reach a maximum hopping speed of 70km/h (don’t say you never learn anything with us!) which does seem very efficient for getting to and from school. Those extra minutes of sleep are valuable. On the other hand, penguins waddle about 2km/h which is…well slow. You’d probably need to move your wake up even earlier. Not ideal. Kangaroos definitely take the win on this factor. The second, and probably more significant factor, is the how-much-will-people-look-at-you-weirdly factor. Now in my personal opinion, I reckon that if you saw someone hopping along at top speed you’d be a lot more worried then if you saw someone waddling along. And maybe that's just me, but on this basis I think we’re gonna have to go with penguin waddling.

...fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?

Another completely normal and sensible life decision. To judge this fairly, we must consider two important factors: intimidation and manageability. Beginning with intimidation, a horse-sized duck would be absolutely terrifying because ducks already have a certain scariness (maybe I’m projecting the geese attitude onto them), and enlarging one to the size of a small car feels like a danger to us all that we simply did not prepare for. The wingspan alone would be deeply concerning, and the idea of a beak that large is something I would rather not think about for too long. However, fighting 100 duck-sized horses presents a different kind of problem. Each one by itself sounds harmless, but together they would form a stampede, and being surrounded by that many miniature hooves would quickly become overwhelming. In terms of practicality, facing one giant opponent at least allows you to attempt some form of strategy, whereas 100 tiny opponents would just involve you trying not to trip while being mildly but repeatedly attacked. Ideally I would fight neither, but if I had to, one horse-sized duck is the better option.

...always be 10 minutes late or 10 minutes early?

This is essentially a choice between living life in a mild panic or spending it waiting awkwardly. Being 10 minutes late means you are constantly speed-walking everywhere while sending definitely not true ‘omw’ texts that autocorrect to ‘On My Way!’ (seriously why is that a thing?). You’re constantly going to have to perform the stressful routine of trying to sit down quietly while everyone absolutely notices you. Arriving 10 minutes early, however, means you are always just…there. Too early to actually do anything, but too late to leave and go get a coffee or sweet treat. You end up sort of hovering at your location while you check your phone repeatedly and pretend you definitely meant to arrive that soon. But early arrival at least removes the stress of rushing and allows you to exist in relative calm without turning every journey into a weird chase scene from an action film that has 1 star on Letterboxxed. Therefore, while both are inconvenient, standing around slightly too early is far less stressful than living life in a constant state of oh-god-I’m-going-to-be-late (rhyme unintended but very much appreciated), so early wins.

...always get brain freeze or always burn your tongue slightly?

I must say, they're probably both kind of painful after a while. Brain freeze is, shall we say, intense, where it feels like your brain feels like it is about to explode. Yet the discomfort usually fades quite quickly and leaves no lasting consequences. A slightly burnt tongue, however, may seem minor at first but tends to last for several days, turning every meal into an irritating reminder of your bad luck. Hot drinks suddenly become risky decisions that require a great deal of caution (and how will the 6th form survive without their coffee/tea in the common room?). Brain freeze also typically only happens when you've taken a very large bite of ice cream or like, eaten an ice cube, meaning it can be avoided with some better decision-making, though admittedly this is unlikely in my case. Ultimately, living in fear of every sip of tea is simply not practical, so brain freeze is going to have to take the win on this one. 

...only be able to watch the same movie forever or only listen to the same song forever?

How much repetition can the human brain tolerate before literally giving up? Now I must say that I have been known to listen to one song on repeat for days at a time, but forever? An entirely different conversation. Let’s say the average song is 3 minutes long and you listen to music for 1 hour a day…that's 20 times a day. Now that’s about the limit of my mathematical prowess, but what I can tell you is that if you did that every day for the rest of your life you would be listening to this song much too many times. A film, on the hand, runs for, lets say, 2 hours which at least gives the illusion of variety (at least for a while). A single song would also follow you everywhere: how many times have you been shopping and the song you just can't escape comes on? But a film requires commitment, you have to sit down and press play, making it far easier to avoid. If you were truly sick of the film, you could choose to never watch it again. While neither option is ideal for your long-term stability, the film is clearly less intrusive and therefore the safer choice for maintaining a reasonable level of sanity.

P.S: Obviously, you could hypothetically still watch TV shows BUT that’s not in the spirit of the question guys. Please.

...eat cereal with water or orange juice?

Can I choose to have it with neither? Controversial opinion, but I actually enjoy cereal dry. And considering I’m making the rules, I’m banning both water AND orange juice from being consumed with cereal. If either choice is your preferred option, I am scared of you.

Due to this deeply scientific and analytical investigation, you are now fully prepared for the next time someone corners you with one of these complicated questions and expects an immediate answer. Instead of panicking, you can calmly weigh up factors such as public embarrassment and overall sanity, like a true professional. You’re welcome. 

xoxo Unpublished