We know which whiteboard pen they always go for, whether they’re more of a handwritten or typed kind of person, and that they all have mildly concerning caffeine addictions––but what really makes a teacher tick? I have taken it upon myself to document the behaviour of this mysterious species, making the treacherous journey past the pigeon holes, into their natural habitat: the staffroom. Have no fear. I have made it out without a conduct concern (so far) and with the never-heard-before scoop, what they cannot live without:
After acquiring a sample of 25 teachers, I have put together a definitive list of all their favourite things (and also added my own opinions because would it really be an Unpublished article without some sort of uncalled for judgement?)
MISS. REID:
This music teacher did not waste a second before saying, “I mean, my glasses is not a lie”. She then paused, warily, as if I was about to make fun of the answer (I was), and then explained “I actually would be dead if I didn’t have my glasses.” Thoughts and prayers go out to her clearly horrendous vision.
MR. DAVIES (history):
“Teaching the lower sixth”
See I want to say this is my favourite answer yet the strong tone of sarcasm and little scoff that accompanied this statement makes me question his sincerity. Low Blow. Pitt the Younger would not approve of this behaviour.
MRS. KOUTSIOUKI / Mrs.K:
Before I could even finish my question (like actually the words were not yet out of my mouth) she blurted out “Coke Zero. Coke Zero. I would die. My P.E.D is inelastic.”
I am told that the ‘P.E.D’ part is an economics joke that I do not understand, but that I’ll leave in just for you economist readers. She then went on to say “that was a very easy question. Anything else?”
MR. GOLLAND:
Mr Golland on the other hand did not think it was an easy question.
The elusive geography teacher avoided me for a good week before I finally forced him into saying “Greggs. Greggs sausage roll especially.” After all that anticipation I was a little underwhelmed. I was expecting a personalised moisture detector or some antique globe. This answer does seem to come from the heart though because he has mentioned his avid Greggs support on numerous occasions. Somebody sponsor this man.
MS. BARTON:
Ms Barton tried desperately “not to be basic and say music”- which, in fact, no teacher actually said- then landed upon ‘Agatha Christie Murder Mysteries’. See- immediately no. I love myself some Agatha, but the one thing she cannot live without? Sounds suspicious to me. This history teacher definitely knows how she would get away with murder. Let Godolphin students/teachers know they have been warned. The signs were there. If any teacher or student mysteriously goes missing, I blame Ms. Barton.
(I was raised on Agatha Christie though)
DR. WOODBERRY: “Newspapers, wife, reading, writing and football.”
Quite a range here. We’ve got newspapers, reading and writing, which were realistically just said to maintain his history teacher/intellectual aesthetic, and then also a bit of football to keep his image fun. I feel the need to add that he scoffed at the suggestion of pets and when I offered his children as an example of what to answer he said “could live without them”. My mother might agree.
MR. CARROLL: “Toast. With lashings of butter.”
In the name of giving credit where credit is due, toast is an excellent answer. Mid-writing this I found myself migrating to the kitchen to make myself a burnt slice of bread. Mr. Carroll's inspiration has no borders. However, I’m not sure how I feel about the “lashings”. This seems a bit aggressive. Moreover, not particularly good for one’s cholesterol.
MME. PALMER:
Mme.Palmer is on the grind. She cannot live without a daily “run” and “yoga”.
I will not lie––this did make me question some of my lifestyle decisions. Did I change them? No. But I did consider going on a run for a little longer than usual. So thank you Mme.Palmer for that inspiration. The French teaching athlete also mentioned that “she won’t go anywhere near a boat” which I am more d’accord with. J'approuve cette déclaration. Water should be for drinking.
ANNA:
We have another lifestyle role model in Anna who cannot live without “fruits and vegetables”. Biology teachers everywhere will sleep easy tonight now that these hated food groups are finally represented. She then went on to say “seabass and water” - I like that they’re on the same level of importance. Anna also just had to rub in her dietary superiority once more by adding “Some people cannot live without alcohol or cigarettes- not me!” Health icon. I also appreciate the subtle messaging
MRS GARCIA:
Nobody tell Anna that Mrs. Garcia chose “Fine Wine”
Teaching Eleni Fraser will do that to you.
DR.SNOOK:
Dr. Snook did also say that “wine was a given”. So there are now two teachers we should hide from Anna.
MISS PEARCE:
You knew it was going to come up at some point- the staple teacher item: “coffee”. Many others did begin to form the word before I swiftly cut them off and told them they weren’t allowed to say coffee or their family (because those things are equally unimportant). But alas, she persevered. On the one hand, a thank you to Miss Pierce for attesting to the staff-body's reliance on caffeine. A spokeswoman for teachers everywhere. This is why there is never enough milk for the common room. However, this is possibly the least original answer she could've come up with and was any new knowledge really discovered? No.
MRS. HEMPSALL:
Here we have another teacher providing a voice for the masses. “Mine has got to be - I hate to say it- coffee”. When told that was too basic, she proceeded to say something even more basic: “Books. Any crime”. Essentially, Mrs Hempsall is the staff body.
MME. HALLS: - “My cheese” (said in a thick French accent)
Can you guess what subject Mme Halls teaches?
MRS. MOULE:
Mrs. Moule had an English teacher crisis trying “not to say something really lame like books”. (She is too cool for the likes of Miss Barton and Mrs. Hempsall, evidently). She then seized the opportunity to flex her niche-book knowledge and, after days of pondering, came up with ‘Barbara Pym’. Who? We do not know. Nonetheless, Mrs. Moule seems to be a fan of this Barbara, so I guess we should all purchase one of her books. “This is an advertisement for Barbara Pym”. She says “Excellent Women” is a must-buy.
DR. BUNTING:
So Dr.Bunting went above and beyond and emailed me a whole list. I’m not sure this really is allowed as the other teachers were forced into one answer, but I’ll allow it as I appreciate the effort. I think she deserves a special shoutout for being the only teacher honest enough to say “television,” “sugar in all forms,” and her “duvet”. Me too, Dr.Bunting. Me too. This lavish lifestyle is very Marie Antoinette of you. Keep it going. One must embody the character to teach the character. Please take care walking near guillotines. However, minus points for saying “Library Books,” as Mrs. Moule has already established reading is lame.
MRS. SUTHERLAND:
Mrs Sutherland should be made head of the green team immediately. Without a moment’s hesitation, she decided that “it had to be open space. And a tree. We can’t live without trees.” If we were to get biological here, we indeed cannot live without trees because of respiration or the food chain/web or something- I dropped all sciences as soon as I could- so some scientific respect for Miss Sutherland. However I do think she might’ve taken my materialistic question slightly too literally.
MRS ANTEBI:
Quite surprised by the amount of people saying trees! Who knew they had such an impact on the Godolphin Staff? Actually, does anyone remember that speech Dr.Ramsey gave years back about that inspirational tree that kept her going when times were hard? Trees are big at Godolphin. Mrs. Antebi says that whilst she can’t live without “walks in the park”, she draws the line at “talking to trees”. “I do like watching them, but I know they’re not gonna respond in the same language I use.”
Dream Big, Miss Antebi. One day they might.
MR. GRIFFIN:
This English Teacher has been living it up, it seems, as he would not be able to live without “formal dinners, at least once a week”. Our girl Jane Austen would approve I’m sure. She would also probably comment on his ‘impropriety’ for not inviting his Lower Sixth class to any of them.
MISS McADAM: sponsored by John Lewis
Miss McAdam quickly spun my question into a chance to advertise her “really nice John Lewis hot water bottle”. Apparently it is in such high-demand that jealousy and thievery have stricken the McAdam household, turning mothers against sons- “my two little boys try to steal it from me and I’m like NOOO”. But it’s all justified as “it really keeps the heat”. The woman is ready to risk it all. From a marketing standpoint, I am quite tempted to look up John Lewis water bottles now. Slightly concerned about the familial savagery.
MR. DAVIES: (ART) “Hunting for plants at garden centres”
We have another one of the treehuggers in Mr.Davies. Now, I appreciate the amount of green activists at this school - woo go the environment! However, “hunting” does not sound very plant loving to me. Rather, I envision Mr.Davies scavenging around nurseries looking for the most complicated flower he can force his GCSE class to paint and I get war flashbacks to drawing seed pods in year 8. I admire the eco-friendliness of this answer yet it is undermined by the re-lived trauma
MISS SMITH:
Miss Smith began answering my questions with a “stash of loose leaf tea”. I was ready to approve and move on when she hit me with the monumental “Flask and mug combo” addendum, which instantly elevates the answer. The woman is a revolutionary. Now she explained this system with such pace and passion that I have forgotten exactly how it works but, from what I can compute in my un-enlightened brain, she always carries a mug and keeps two cups of tea in a flask “so when [she] runs out mid lesson- boom second cup”. I predict this will send culture waves through the staffroom when discovered. Maybe this is Miss Smith’s intention so she can then calculate the gradient of these waves (or whatever Math people like to do). Innovation icon.
MME AFIFI:
After numerous days of deep introspection, Mme. Afifi cornered me in the hallway to announce: “I thought about picking conversation, or my children (brief pause to question priorities), but then decided on my shower”. I think her moral compass has directed her to the correct answer. Smelling nice trumps family or speech any day.
So there we have it. Were the answers expected? Kind of. Yet, still quirky. There were a couple more nature lovers than I thought there would be, and not as many references to movies or books, but I think I captured the essence of Godolphin’s teachers.
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