With the Christmas holidays drawing ever closer, albeit far too slowly than anyone at Godolphin would like, we thought asking what the Godolphin teachers want for Christmas would be a lovely reprieve from the seemingly endless onslaught of revision timetables and mark schemes. Therefore, our best and bravest ventured into offices and email inboxes to ensure top-notch quality for our readers. We humbly present: What Godolphin’s Teacher’s Wants for Xmas!
(Disclaimer: No teachers were hurt in the making of this article)
Without further ado: Let’s begin…
Dr Goodall
“For January to come”
Upon being informed this was a Grinch-worthy answer and that she’d replaced Mr Juven as the resident teacher-Grinch, we asked this History teacher how she felt at being bestowed such a title, to which she replied:
“Um, I’d say that like, aesthetically it’s not really my vibe but internally…pretty much my vibe.”
No further comment. Grinch vibes run deep here. Teaching both A Level and IB will do that to you, we suppose.
Mr Grimble
This elusive English teacher (perhaps overwhelmed by bedraggled LVI students begging him for much-needed EPQ help) professed he “needed more time to think about it”. Thus, a follow-up email written in the mandatory-Mr-Grimble-EB-Garamond-font was swiftly sent our way.
Subject: ‘Dear Father Christmas..’ (extra points for the email subject keeping in theme)
In answer to your question:
Some lovely big Thames & Hudson art book, to get lost in during the rainy December days...or something completely frivolous, like a new set of antique grapefruit spoons.
Lots to unpack here. Antique grapefruit spoons? The summertime delicacy seems to clash slightly with the #emo “rainy december days”, but evidently Mr Grimble’s imagination has no limits. Rightly so, as a limitless imagination is crucial to his post as an English teacher. Frivolity is also very essential, so actually, these seem to be very sensible Christmas wishes.
Ms Whitby
After attempting to bribe us into telling her what the question was before answering (we obviously said no out of journalistic integrity xx), this Chemistry teacher revealed her true Christmas desires:
“Ummm…so two years ago I said I wanted a pan, and I’m still on that theme of kitchenware…I would really like some more nice pots and pans but also a really nice cooking knife. Yeah.”
“It’s just nice to have a nice knife - I feel like that feels like more of a grown-up gift.”
Slightly unnerved but nonetheless satisfied, we ended the interview. Note to Sixth Form Common Room users: keep knives away from this Head of Year…she seems to be exhibiting slightly too intense of a love for knives than we feel comfortable with…
Ms Moule
“Oh! I need to think…”
Evidently elusivity is a common quality amongst the English department. In keeping with their motto of ‘spending time planning before you start essay-writing’, reluctance and critical thinking seems to be a requisite for answering student magazine questions. We do appreciate the fact teachers feel they must actually spend time thinking about their responses before answering our interviews - such a refreshing reversal of the usual student-teacher power dynamic!
“Well, I need some new running shoes, so I’ve asked for that - I’ve got holes in the old ones. And…um…I need various household items that are crucial, but I perhaps haven’t thought of yet”
We informed her that Miss Whitby had expressed a similarly house-based love for kitchenware, to which the English teacher remarked:
“Yeah, I think I do need some more kitchenware - I’m moving house.”
Shocking mid-interview revelation - obviously our bloodhounded journalists just had to dig a little deeper:
“Yeah, I’m moving from a flat into a house, so…at the moment I need a dining room table, and chairs…essentials”
Seems like Ms Moule is in need of slightly more than just kitchenware…perhaps actual furniture would be a good starting point. Thoughts and prayers go out to what will be quite a packed Christmas for this teacher. (Packing. Moving house. Laugh at the joke.)
Dr Abdulla
“Are you serious? That’s the question?”
Tone not appreciated. Bravely, we pressed on.
“Um…one thing for xmas…something…related to the original Star Wars trilogy.”
Upon being told we didn’t know he was such a Star Wars fan, Dr Abdulla unleashed an incredibly energetic outpour of passion, during which he explained in devout detail all the reasons as to why this trilogy means so much to him. One word to describe our reaction: spellbound.
“Yeah so, every year since I’ve been here students have got me something Star Wars related, or my parents or my friends - somebody’s always got me something Star Wars-related. I’ve got a room in my house with about 2,000 Star Wars things.”
“I’ve got seven lightsabers in different colours, I’ve got every character miniature figurines, I’ve got T-shirts, I’ve got cards, I’ve got-”
Unfortunately, due to time limitations we cannot include the extensive list of Dr Abdulla’s collection, but needless to say: he’s a big fan. However, to those wishing to gift Mr Abdulla with something, beware: there are many rules to be abided by.
“So: it can’t be prequels, definitely can’t be sequels because they suck. So it has to be the originals.” “The prequels were better than the sequels, the sequels were dreadful.”
Extremely serious tone. Deadpan face. No joking around here.
“Anything Star Wars makes me happy. Even like a rubber with a Darth Vader thing - that makes me happy. Like even if a student gives me a pencil with Luke Skywalker on it - I’m happy." “I’m obsessed with it.”
Rest assured Dr Abdulla: Godolphin has heard your message loud and clear. Someone get this man the Luke Skywalker writing utensil he deserves.
Taj
After a looooong period of deliberation, this sports icon offered the following response:
“ I'd quite like maybe two pairs or three, four, maybe six pairs of trainers.”
Steep increase in quantity here. Known for his eye-catching footwear, the legend that Taj has over 150 pairs of trainers has yet to be myth-busted. His Christmas wish doesn’t seem to be helping him beat the rumours.
“Bright yellow if possible. As bright as possible, basically.”
In classic Taj style, he closed the interview with a suggestion that next time we should “ask our friends” instead. We’ll pretend not to notice the subtle suggestion that he didn’t want to be interviewed. Everyone knows being interviewed by Unpublished is a highly-coveted honour only some are lucky enough to achieve in their lifetimes.
Ms James
“Umm.. jewellery? Candles?”
Unsatisfied, our interviewers requested the Philosophy teacher give a “better answer”.
“Umm.. snow?”
Still not satisfied with the one-word response and accompanying hint of doubt, we pressed her for a reason. Miss James, perhaps recalling the PEE paragraph structures of her past, thus replied:
“Firstly, I would like snow because who doesn’t dream of a White Christmas? And secondly, I would like jewellery and candles as I am currently holding space for the lyrics of defying gravity so only have room for something small.”
We can tell she took the time out to think of something trendy, but (very kindly) we’ll refrain from being haters this time. Points for the reference to White Christmas. Also, her joke was pretty funny. We also really want it to snow this year…#prettyplease
Mr Mussared
Caught whilst innocently attempting to speed-walk to lunch, the Aussie was stopped in his tracks by our committed interviewers, armed with their weapon of choice (iPad) and their unmatched journalistic integrity.
“What do you call them here?… jocks.. like pants”
Evidently the stretch of Atlantic ocean dividing England and Australia calls for some linguistic confusion…however: nothing stops an Unpublished article. Not even Australian slang. The following consists of a brave linguistic exchange between student and teacher, motivated by the search for Mr Mussared’s one true Christmas wish:
Unpublished: “Oh, trousers?”
Mr Mussared: “No”
Unpublished: “Jeans?”
Mr Mussared: “No... underwear.”
We feel perhaps Mr Mussared could’ve been a tad clearer from the beginning, and saved us the ping-ponging of questions, but we’ve decided to forgive his translation errors. We feel it only right to be considerate of how tough it must have been for this PE teacher to fit in, what with such a treacherous language barrier to overcome…
Ms Cooper
“Sleep. That’s my answer…Maybe.. you know.. hibernate for 3 weeks””
Honestly, real. Our communal respect for Ms Cooper has skyrocketed in light of such a pervasive answer.
Ms Swann (- sat down after being brutally ripped away from helping a chem HL student doing their IA - the grind never stops)
“A label-maker.”
Upon being told this was ‘very Ms Swann’ of her, the Chem icon professed that she “just really likes labels on things. My kitchen cupboard needs to be tidier, so I really want a label maker”
It is worth saying that a good deal of time was spent pointing out all that is wrong with the Chemistry Department’s own label makers, the passionate spiel concluding that Ms Swann really just “needs [her] own personal one”.
She also mentioned she is desirous of some “cool trainers… a gazelle bold, for instance”. Someone call Taj - evidently a Chem/PE shoewear crossover event needs to happen.
“I’ve got to be trendy”
Mr Rees
(Note: slight miscommunication at beginning of interview regarding Xmas Plans rather than Xmas Wish meant the first half of Mr Rees’ interview was spent convincing him to go skiing for the first time in five years, but we’ve just included the relevant bits below)
“My Christmas wish list… new running trainers”
He professed that although he does not partake in “running club”, this Señor keeps active by “running to and from school…and just in my spare time”. #HealthIcon. Acting as a spokesperson for runners and PSHE teachers all over the world, Mr Rees swears by the fact running is “a good place to sort of, you know, gather your thoughts”. Very pro-mindfulness and living-in-the-present vibes.
Mr Rees also suggested a new bike as a possible second Christmas wish, the reason for this being that his current bike gives: “bad vibes”.
Fair enough.
Dr Jones
This Maths teacher was hunted down post-Yr 7-lesson, and was at first very hesitant due to her worry that people would “find her boring”. However, after some very passionate begging from said Yr 7s (who screamed once they found out we were interviewing their teacher for Unpublished and even declared that “Unpublished is my life” - thank you, fans), Dr Jones had no choice but to face the terror of potentially being perceived as “boring”.
“Ooh, well, I’ve asked for pyjamas haha… gotta have some snuggly Christmas pyjamas”
Evidently Dr Jones will be joining Ms Cooper in her period of hibernation. Necessary equipment seems to include a strict festive dress code. Approved.
“I’ve also asked for a really large pile of yarn…I crochet in my spare time, it’s my hobby at the moment” This seems like an apt hobby to have when considering the ‘snuggly’ mood mentioned earlier. Indeed, Dr Jones is aiming to “make a big rug, or blanket”. However, this comfy-cozy ambiance somewhat dulled upon discovering colour palette options included “two different colours of grey”. Somewhat un-festive, we feel.
Perhaps in a last-minute attempt to compensate for her fear of seeming “boring”, Dr Jones professed she was really looking forward to “some peace and quiet” , “particularly because our cats come and join us in the morning if we stay in too late”.
Inspired by the introduction of pets, the interview somewhat derailed into the lives of “Gilmore and Ray”…see photo below…
Mr Carroll
“What do I want for Christmas? I think I want…people to be happy. I think I want people to be accepting of one another and to avoid some of the pitfalls that people fall into so that they can get along harmoniously.” (We wish we could convey the exact degree of pensiveness with which this answer was given.)
Slightly more philosophical than we were necessarily expecting (coordinating #CYL will do that to you…), but we’ll take it. Particularly liked the reference to “pitfalls”…#learningpitvibes. Many of us are currently in the learning zone/pit now…so actually this response feels a tad aimed? After pressing him for an answer that was less philanthropic, he replied:
“Material gifts? Erm, I think I might need a new teapot with possibly some more assam based tea.”
The Maths teacher/fire assembly icon then proceeded to spell out this mysterious “A-S-S-A-M” tea, in hopes of enlightening our very much unenlightened faces, but was unfortunately unable to enthuse our puzzled interviewers.
Mr Sumner
“Oh God, I'm an old man! I don't want things for Christmas. [Laughs.]
Careful, Mr Sumner. We’re ranging dangerously close into Dr Goodall’s Grinch territory with that answer…evidently her condition is catching, considering these two share an office.
My main objection to that question is that I'm waiting on a reply from me to my mother for what I want for Christmas. You know, you're in your thirties, if I want something, I buy it. What I want for Christmas is a nice surprise, frankly. You've already got purchasing power, you can buy things.”
Though we appreciate the not-so-subtle-showing-off of the Econ teacher lingo, we were not satisfied with such a boring answer.
“I mean, am I allowed to say large quantities of alcohol?”
“[Dr. Goodall from other side of office]: Probably not.”
Econ teacher by day, party animal by night. Also: further proof of Dr Goodall’s Grinch-y/anti-festive spirit.
Ms Graham (Geo)
(caught post-sustainability committee so we think this influenced her mindset)
“Well for Christmas I don't want anything material, because I have a lot and I feel like I have enough and other people don’t.”
Another selfless altruist - perhaps a Graham/Carroll collab is to be expected soon…
“This Christmas I would really like to spend some time with my cousins because we all live all over the place, some in Auckland in New Zealand, some in Toronto, some in Vancouver, some in Switzerland, some in Sweden…because in Ireland everyone leaves.”
Cheeky own goal for the Irish here. Self-depreciative jokes are always a 10/10, so definitely extra points for that.
“We're actually all going to be at home in Ireland this year for Christmas. It'll be really nice to spend some time with them - and lots of my cousins don't have kids yet so we can still not have to look after anybody, because Christmas is for kids and it would be nice if we were just able to spend some time together and have a big cousins sleepover. It would be really nice! I do have a little cousin who's really cute, he's only three, and I want to hang out with him too.”
Big cousins sleepover? Cute three-year-old? Seems like Ms Graham is going to have the ultimate Christmas holiday. Super jel.
Ms Graham was even kind enough to send over a photo of her and her cousins...points to anyone who can correctly identify Godolphin's favourite Geography teacher!
Dr Ooi
“For all my medics and vets get into their favoured medical or veterinary school.”
Outstanding answer from this icon - honestly, made us tear up a little. Pure love and dedication towards his students. And just when we thought this Biology teacher couldn’t get any nicer, his very confident “No!” upon being asked if he wanted anything more materialistic proved us wrong. Dr Ooi, you’re too nice for this world.
“The world is too materialistic as it is!”
Ms Lorys
"I have recently purchased an electric bicycle and I would like… um… I would like lots of cycling gear because all the teachers in this school say that my cycling skills are not the best”
Wow - someone ring up the Pastoral Team. We had no idea the inter-teacher-cycling bullying ran so deep? To be fair, the teacher-cycling craze is definitely big at Godolphin, but who knew it came with such prejudice? However, before the array of sympathetic “aw-s” had escaped our mouths, this Drama teacher quickly justified her bad cycling rep:
“I’ll give you a reason why and you might agree. So, a while ago I first started cycling to school and Dr Row told me to cycle the way that I drive” [Dramatic pause] “So, I did… And on the Hogarth Roundabout, the bridgey bit over the top- that’s the way I drive…So that is the way I cycled…up the road…” [Said very sheepishly]
Groans escaped from Ms Llorys’ rapt audience, as the image of her pedalling amongst lanes of car-only traffic swum into our minds…the sound of the elite Godolphin-teacher-cycling-clique’s laughter swelling in the background….
“And everyone was beeping at me and I had to keep cycling saying “Sorry! Sorry about that! And then I… went onto the REALLY, REALLY [as dramatically as you read that in your head] big road as well…”
After such a dramatic retelling of her experience, equipped with sound effects and various amusing voices (Drama teacher prowess knows no limits), Ms Llorys assured us that she has since “gotten much better at cycling”, and wants “reflective gear” as she has now “upgraded to an electric bike”.
Mr Renshaw
After giving a classic Mr Renshaw chuckle, he proceeded to say:
“Some very nice mince pies”
Festive. On-theme. Overall a decent answer.
“You need good mince pies for Christmas don’t you?”
True that. You do need good mince pies. No shade to be thrown here.
We hope you enjoyed our motley compilation of responses from our much-loved staff, and let’s all hope they all get what they want - be it A-S-S-A-M or large quantities of alcohol. I’m sure we can all come to appreciate the GCSE-Jekyll-and-Hyde-like duality of Godolphin teachers displayed in this article.
Have a holly, jolly Christmas…
Xoxo,
The Unpublished Team :)
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