I think there were a lot of things we all said we’d do this summer. Not many of these things were done. With the first 'Unpublished' post of the school year, as the homework diaries start to fill and the excuses start to pile, we thought it might bring you all some comfort to learn how the teachers got on with their summer to-do lists.
Following my last venture into the staffroom, I bravely launched an investigation into the productivity of this school’s teachers- to use as ammunition for those readers who have still not done their summer homework. Last term, the Unpublished Team took it upon ourselves to ask as many hapless teachers as we could ambush in the hallway what their ‘summer goals’ were. Now, after many lessons strangely diverted, the results are in.
Many have been successful. Many have not.
To begin this post optimistically, these are the teachers who did achieve their summer goals.
MR CARROLL: ACHIEVED
Starting out this investigation with a lot of enthusiasm: Mr Carroll responded to my very brief question with a long explanation of all the teas he planned to try. I now am very knowledgeable about the differences between a tea and a tisane (do not use these 2 terms interchangeably in front of this teacher) and the "really very poor range quality" of Wagamama’s Jasmine Flowering.
On the first day back, the herbal connoisseur was proud to inform me that he did indeed find an adequate tea supplier over the summer.
Let it be known that the Parisian tea-house ‘Marriage Frères’ is an "absolute requirement", "sensational" and serves a ‘Covent Garden Morning Tea’ that "isn’t normal tea" and "has a nuttiness to it." Attached as visual evidence of Mr Carroll’s success is his "quite expensive" drink that "he does not really even know how to pronounce."
MME PALMER: ACHIEVED
Someone who would know how to pronounce 'Mariage Frères' is Mme Palmer
who begged me to make her summer goal "sound less pathetic" and spent half our French lesson worrying that it was "going to be tragic." First saying that there were some books Mrs Afifi gave her that she wanted to read, but then deciding that that was a "horrendous" goal, she demanded that I "give her something better to say." After swiftly shutting down my suggestion of ‘getting a tan’, because apparently "that’s awful and she doesn’t want to get a tan", her final goal was to "read my books and not kill my family."
Fortunately for the Palmer family, she was successful, telling me on Thursday that she "did read SO many books and the children are all thriving."
MRS MOULE: ACHIEVED
Mrs Moule clearly did not think reading books was a "horrendous" summer goal, because hers was “ I don’t know...to read?” When analysing her answer in greater detail, (which her UVI class is apparently incapable of doing in essays) the staple-English teacher response becomes more scandalous as it turns out the books she meant were the "texts she was supposed to be teaching in the Autumn.”
A role model for every student who tried to bash out their summer reading on August 31st, Mrs Moule read ‘Lord of the Flies’ "in a day", which I’m sure her GCSE class will be relieved to hear. The productivity icon, proud of her "efficiency", also completed her SECOND goal of finishing the mysterious book she has been writing for an unknown period of time. All details on the book remain secret because "it’s actually really hard to write…novels" and "it’s just a bit embarrassing isn’t it" but she assures me she did in fact finish it.
"Come on, you can make that funny. There's humour in there."
MRS MANSELL: ACHIEVED
Mrs Mansell ambitiously planned to travel to South Korea, Dubai and Mauritius for her long-overdue honeymoon. Her goal also included posting all of it on her 'Insta' because she "knew her summer was going to be so much better than everyone’s " and wanted them to "be like urgh- I’m so jel". She then apologised for the malicious undertones, explaining that she "really just shoots her mouth off - that’s the problem."
It’s debatable whether the newly-wed actually did achieve this goal. Mrs Mansell contracted covid the day before they were supposed to fly. Yet, the mathematician hiker adventurer explorer insists that she "swiftly snatched success from the jaws of defeat" by testing negative the next day and impressively rebooking 3 alternative weeks of holiday.
So did she go to the places she said she would? No. But did she have a much better summer than everyone and post a lot about it on her "Insta"... it seems so. Therefore, I’ve generously decided to place her within the successful teacher category.
MR GRIFFIN: ACHIEVED
When asked what his summer goal was this English teacher responded with a loud sigh and a casual "walking the Camino."
After I suggested saying something more quirky, he dramatically took off his glasses and argued "I’m literally walking across Northern Spain. It’s a medieval pilgrimage. What could be more obscure?" I felt this was a fair point.
The pastoral trekker successfully completed this pilgrimage, meeting some "very bizarre" people along the way and finding some "really good wine for like two Euros a bottle".
His very prominent glasses tan serves as proof of his journey.
MR CORISH: ACHIEVED.
Another adventurous summer over-achiever was Mr Corish who planned to cycle the "Ring of Beara." As the Maths teacher went on about the number of Kilometres and different loops of the track, I could hear the GCSE ‘distance/time’ questions (that I could never do) unfreezing from a dark memory in my mind. I preemptively had to stop him before he could ask me how far he travelled if he was cycling at x miles per hour or something horrible like that.
I do not know what his average speed was, but he has now informed me that the track was 140 kilometres long and, although he "struggled", he did complete his goal.
"Oh my God. Those hills."
MRS ANTEBI: ACHIEVED
In comparison with the travellers and athletes, this college counsellor apologised for "actually having a pretty boring life" with "no adventures lined up" apart from "making time for poetry" because "there is always time for poetry."Like Mme Palmer, Mrs Antebi desperately tried to persuade me to "change it to make it sound less pathetic."After I assured her how seriously 'Unpublished' values journalistic honesty she gave up and attempted a second answer- "daily walks in the park" - because "it really makes a difference! Don’t you agree?"
It turns out, she did not actually make much time for poetry "as is the nature of setting goals", but did go on regular walks, taking care "not to talk to trees again" after the response she received from her feature in Unpublished’s last Teacher article.
ANNA: ACHIEVED
When I asked Anna if she had any summer goals, she iconically responded with "What like parties?" which I think is all I need to say to capture her summer mindset.
By parties it turned out she meant the "baptism of her Grandson" which she did in fact successfully attend. She then went on to add that "she knows she looks young but yes she has two grandsons" which I felt was a necessary addition to her answer.
MR DAVIES ( Art one): ACHIEVED
Mr Davies kindly did not hesitate to announce his goal was to travel to Crete and back, "avoiding all Godolphin girls" while there. He has in fact returned from Crete, and my sources tell me there have been no wild sightings of the artist in Greece or anywhere past Iffley Road the whole summer apart from the occasional Tesco’s run in. So overall- successful.
MR DAVIES (History One): ACHIEVED
Maintaining his reputation as Godolphin’s source of positivity, Mr Davies’ summer goal was…"life". Unlike those Industrial Revolution pauper children, I can confirm Mr Davies is indeed alive - though perhaps dying on the inside as his UVI class asks one too many questions on Queen Victoria's love life.
MR HACKETT: ACHIEVED:
At first Mr Hackett’s goal was to go on holiday with his family and "spend some quality time with the people he loves". He then decided that "actually that sounds a bit weird".
(Little does he know this was Dr Ramsey’s exact summer goal.)
To avoid stooping to the same level of weirdness as the headmistress, he changed his answer to "doing nothing" which he confirmed he did do and thanked me for "checking up on him."
DR ROW: ACHIEVED
And finally, the last of our successful teachers was Dr Row who wanted to "have some time to do some unpacking and clearing out." Although at the time she thought this answer sounded "really sad", when asked if she achieved it in September, her face lit up and she ecstatically whipped out this photo of a room she cleaned up.
'You used to not be able to get in here' she tells me
Now let us move onto the failures.
MME AFIFI: FAILED
It appears Mme Afifi needs to take some cleaning advice from Dr Row (I will be sending her this photo) because her goal was to "clear out THAT room that I should have cleared out" and as of today it is not in fact cleared out.
When asked why, she responded with "God is this for another magazine thing? Can I just say you’ve triggered a whole like guilt thing that I didn’t need on a Tuesday morning." Glad to see Unpublished is still widely loved among the teaching community.
MRS GARCIA: FAILED
Some wise life lessons can be learned from Mrs Garcia’s summer goal. The musician aspired to "be more careful in the sun" because "when she was my age" (said in a wistful tone) she was "the stupid English person" who "really went for it", staying out in the sun in whilst the Spaniards were having their siestas and "now she’s all blemished."
Alas, she did not learn from the mistakes of her youth and was not careful this summer. After running out of her Nivea high-factor sunscreen in the last week, she bought "some Spanish sunscreen" that was "supposed to be factor 30" but was not nearly as protective and ended up burning. The scornful music teacher warns all readers "not to buy ‘Ecran’ sun cream if you go to Spain" as she was "not impressed" and "you will burn."
….shall we crowd-fund a parasol ?
MR GOLLAND: FAILED
I thought Mr Golland would pretty safely be amongst the ‘achievers’ category because his goal was "to get married" and "seal the deal." Yet, back in July the geographer had warned that "you never know until the day" and when in fact the day came, things did not go as planned. Not only did Mr Golland at first fear his wife had "done a runner" because she was late and apparently "she’s never late", but when she eventually did show up, the two of them realised that they had put the wrong church on the form. Therefore, the couple is married "under the eyes of God", but not legally, so they have to "go back to the same church and do it again." I'm sure this is a promising start to many years of married bliss.
MISS LORYS: FAILED
Again I thought Miss Lorys’ goal was pretty achievable as it was "to learn how to French plait her own hair." I was wrong. Despite the childhood trauma of "always being that child that literally just had a pony tail", the Drama Teacher has still not learned how to plait and instead makes her husband do it.
After "trying her hardest" she explains she only managed to "get one" but it "didn’t really count" therefore, although I admire her method of getting other people to do her hair for her (work smarter not harder), I will be placing her amongst the failures.
MISS WHITBY: FAILED
Miss Whitby actually avoided me for about a whole week in an attempt to get out of answering this question because it was "too much pressure." Finally, she sent me an email on the last day of school saying she hoped she was not "aiming too small" by choosing "making ice cream" as her goal.
It turns out this was indeed not ‘too small’ of a goal because she did not achieve it.
"I failed actually" is all Miss Whitby has to say for herself, arguing that she did manage to "eat a lot of ice cream" which, unfortunately, is just not the same thing.
MISS ANDRADE: FAILED
Another failure is Miss Andrade who challenged herself to "go fishing" in Norfolk as it is "famously known for its cut-throat fishing traditions" and she felt obliged to "prove her hand at the skill." However, it seems no hands were proven as the chemist “found the whole process very distressing” and was "put off by the thrashing of the fish." Feeling cheated by the preliminary inspirational fishing programs she had watched, she explained how "all the fisher people released the fish back into the water GENTLY" in the videos, but there was "nothing gentle" about the way this fish was being released... so obviously she couldn't participate.
MME HALLS: FAILED
As a linguist, I did have faith that Mme Halls’ could achieve her goal of "speaking a bit of Italian" after her holiday to Tuscany. Optimistically, before leaving she announced "if I can say arrivederci I will have done well for the summer." However, upon pondering her answer I realised– she already could say arrivederci? So this goal was always bound to fail, malheureusement. This September she "can say a few words" including "preggo", "arrivederci" and "duomo"(the cathedral), which I do not think would get her many marks for ‘complex language’ in an Italian Oral, so I have decided to place her among the failures.
Maybe if she had thrown in a subjunctive phrase?
MR GRIMBLE: FAILED
Mr Grimble bravely ventured to "make it across the channel""conquering his fear of ferries" because "swimming would not be ideal." However, he "failed miserably" and he did not make it to France because "time escaped him as it often does." Anyone doing their EPQ would tell him that it is not about the final destination but the JOURNEY and PROCESS that counts.
Did he not read Dr Ramsey's poem? He needs to "keep Ithaka always in his mind."
Yet, the EPQ advisor did not reach any destination or have any sort of process or as he "didn’t make it onto the ferry" and "there was no sea fairing." He did however go on a punt in Oxford which he suggested as an alternative to crossing the channel… you can decide for yourselves whether this is a sufficient substitute.
MISS HALIFAX: FAILED
Our last disappointment is Mrs Halifax who wanted to "try ouzo for the second time" on her trip to Greece, eager to give it a "second chance even though she did not like it." However, it seems no second chance was given to the Greek liquor as she did not face her fear and try it again. Maybe on Challenge Your Limits Week?
And that's it. An evaluative list of the successes and failures of Godolphin’s teaching staff this summer. With 12 goals achieved and 8 failed, I reluctantly admit that the teachers have been quite productive.
My personal favourite part of this investigation was the sheer dismay that overwhelmed each teacher after learning I was going to quote them in Unpublished. (Miss Whitby practically flinches every time I walk near her with a computer.)
Some teachers have been so elusive that whether or not they achieved their summer goal remains a mystery as our team has not been able to hunt them down. Did Miss Triccas break her average of 8 miles of walking a day? Did Dr Carter teach his son tennis? Did Miss McAdam ever get her tan? Perhaps we will never know…
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