Happy Halloween! As Unpublished's contribution to the spooky spirit that the school is apparently commiting to with the lunch menu today, we will be bestowing our divine, definitive judgment of you based on nothing more than your preference towards classic halloween movies.
MEAN GIRLS:
This one’s status as a halloween film might be controversial. Yes, it’s not strictly a Halloween film. Yes, Halloween may only take up a small portion of this incredible, life changing, exemplary film. However, let me present you with this: the Halloween scene in Mean Girls is perfect. It simply is, and there is nothing that can be said to convince me otherwise. Amazing costumes? Yes. Second hand embarrassment? Yes. Romance? Yes. Questionable relationship moments? Iconic dialogue? Yes. The Mean Girls halloween scene is brilliant. So, if this is your favourite film to press play on during the 31st of October, I respect you, but you should be aware that I am severely judging you for your halloween costume. There is not a shadow of doubt over the fact that people whose favourite halloween movie is Mean Girls also happen to be the people who go as a cat. Or a bunny. Or just Regina. It’s fine, but it's not amazing. Costume inspo aside, Mean Girls is always a secure, safe bet for a movie.. As for those of you who are relentless critics calling Mean Girls basic - how can it be a basic halloween film if its not actually a halloween film? Go away. Let people who have joy in their lives enjoy this work of art.
SCREAM:
Everyone loves a classic. Especially a late 90s one filled with satire and witty comedy as well as genuine jump scares and terrifying moments. So, if this is your favourite halloween film then I understand. You don’t need to defend yourselves - it's a good choice. Not quite basic to the same level as some of the others on this list, but not obscure enough to be faced with questionable side eyes and scoffs when you ask to put it on the TV. But, it must be said. I have a sneaky suspicion that many people out there might just be claiming this film as their favourite because of the aesthetics. Yes, it's “vintage” and you’ve probably seen edits of it on tiktok and pictures on pinterest that are just SO enticing that they’ve made their way straight to your halloween board. You think that saying this film is your favourite makes you the coolest person in the room - the Quentin Tarantino fan club of halloween, if you will. In some cases it does make you the coolest person in the room. If you don’t let the facade slip, that is. As a Tarantino snob, I see you, and in all fairness, I accept it.
CORALINE:
What is wrong with you? Genuinely. Why, why, why would this be your favourite Halloween film? It manages to be boring and intensely terrifying and disturbing at the same time. If you happen to be having a fun, festive, innocent conversation with a friend where it slips out that they are a fan of Coraline - run. In fact, use this article as encouragement to discover the truth about your friends. Are they normal people who shudder and shake their heads at the mere mention of this odd, terrifying cartoon child or are they deeply evil, twisted people who smile and tell you that they love this film? Find out. It's for your own good.
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS:
I am unable to judge this film objectively. It cannot be done. Everytime I think of this film, it is as if I’ve magically teleported back into year 4 and have glimpsed Johnny Depp on the TV and melted into a puddle of fear. This film has scared me beyond repair. So, if you’re sick and twisted enough to have this film as one of your favourites then judge yourself and stay far away from me. Please.
THE PURGE:
Another classic, but not quite in the same vintage, effortless way as Scream. The Purge is just another okayish halloween film that is relatively anticlimactic. If this is your favourite halloween film then I’d like you to evaluate some more and change your mind, because this is the true basic perpetrator on this list. Is it really your favourite halloween film, or is it just the first halloween film that you thought of when someone asked you and you panicked? However, I do enjoy seeing a purge costume on halloween - it's fun out of the normal basic realm of animals and pirates and fairies. But other than that, it’s just average. Head back to the 80s and 90s - no one likes the 2010s.
THE SHINING:
Terrifying, classic, creepy - everything The Purge wishes it was. If this is your favourite halloween movie then hats off to you. Not overly basic but a proper halloween thriller. The perfect watch come October 31st, if you can handle it. You have brilliant taste and are probably a film snob, but you've earnt that position.
SMILE:
This is a new one, so if you say that it’s your favourite, you’re lying. People that have watched this film were almost definitely persuaded to from tiktok. I haven’t decided if this is deeply embarrassing or just the norm now. Regardless, it was a perfectly good scary film. Not spectacular, but a fun one to scream out loud to in the theatre where you then get told to shut up by some boring old people. If you’re the screamer then you're just a fun person who’ll try new things. Cool. Overly into tik tok though. Maybe don’t tell people that that’s how you heard of the film. If you’re the one telling people to shut up, you're boring. Halloween is not for you my friend.
On this frightening day we hope we have added some extra terror to your day with some generous judgement as our treat with no tricks. Now go enjoy some 'Spooky Seared Salmon' and 'Roasted Bat Risotto' for lunch.
Comments