Staple costume : eg. Pirate, vampire, fairy
Well, you the one with a bit of fake blood around your mouth and black outfit claiming you're a vampire, might as well have shown up with your ice oat latte, reusable coffee cup and air forces because the only word to describe you is basic. Ok, yes, I too went as a pirate this year and, yes, I can frequently be spotted with all three items, but shh, besides the point. For some reason everyone was a pirate this year. And you know what? Everyone looked amazing! It’s a timeless look. It doesn't matter if we all saw the same pretty girl on pinterest and that tutorial on tiktok, these staple costumes do not have to be basic. In fact, I object to this disdainful tone. From now on these costumes are classic. I’m classy not basic, okay? Leave my pirate hat alone.
Group costume:
Alright, yes, you looked cool when you first entered through the door and maybe I wanted to give my friends a pep talk saying we should be as organised as you, but how cool are you 2 hours into the party? Or, if you are a younger reader, 2 hours in the trick-or-treating rampage (not that trick-or-treating is only for kids; normalize wanting free food.) I guarantee you will not stay with the same group all night and then what? Your costume is irrelevant. Meaningless. It is also a fact that group costumes inevitably cause arguments so, if you were Daphne while your friends had to mope around as Shaggy and Scooby, I know you brawled for your place. Congrats for being the strongest contender. Equally, respect for anyone who got stuck with the worst character. Nobody wants to be the yellow power ranger however essential she may be to the group. Well done for making the sacrifice. You may not be Daphne but you're a good human.
DIY full on Oscar worthy costume:
Tell me you’re overly competitive without TELLING me you’re over competitive. You were the person, ready October 1st, scavenging through Pinterest to add to your ‘Halloween Ideas’ board. You were the person causing a commotion in the common room asking things like “what are you wearing on this specific night in a month's time".
You were out there with your sewing machine and scissors planning for a masterpiece Insta pic while everyone else was still mourning the end of summer. I mean, props to you for the organisation––that alone is scary enough for Halloween. If only you put this kind of time and dedication into this school (being remarkable, courageous and something else with an ‘r’) you wouldn’t have 2 undone essays due tomorrow? Maybe the coffee machine would work? I don’t know, the possibilities are endless. The best part about your outfit is that it was probably so elaborate that you took half of it off by the end of the night because no one understood what you were anyway.
Slacker: the ones with just a hat
I send my condolences for your imagination. May it rest in peace along with your creativity. Way to expose yourself as a Halloween Grinch. I bet you turn all the lights off in your house every year so no one comes trick-or-treating. The amount of ‘James Bond’s and ‘Tom Cruise's I saw last night was abysmal. Wearing your school blazer and tie to school is not a sufficient costume. If your outfit consists of one pair of fangs or one eye patch - we have a problem. “But I’m Nick Fury!” No you’re not. You’re boring. Where is the festivity? The enthusiasm? Not with you. The only thing scary here is your lack of vision. Next year take some advice from the overachievers.
The overly complicated:
Alright- kudos for the imagination - you are what the slackers wish they were. But how was I supposed to know from the broken compass around your neck that you were One Direction? I thought I was coming to a Halloween party not to the MG building for philosophy. If I need to do 4 mental backflips and a quadratic equation to figure out what you are, change. Just dress up as Harry Styles or Zayn Malik instead. We would all prefer it for many reasons. Generally when you need to add a label to your outfit to show what you are, your costume is horrible. But hey, maybe I’m just bitter that my brain isn’t big enough to comprehend yours.
Couple costume:
Ugh! Why don’t you and your boyfriend/girlfriend show up next year as salt and a wound? Resentment and jealousy aside, you probably looked outstanding and you probably had a great night living the rest of our single pringle fantasies. Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swan could never. And, you don’t even need to worry about being scary for Halloween because your matching hats are enough to send most commitment-phobic singles running. Or maybe just ignore me, I’m bitter.
Scary Clown:
Stay away from me. Go back to 2016 where you belong.
Sexy anything:
I mean pop off. I bet you looked great. We all wish we were sexy doctors really ( obviously without the actual doctor bit. I dropped all sciences as fast as I could). Yet, let’s be honest, your bikini top and shorts scared no one except your mother. Whilst your cowgirl outfit is indeed very sexy, it is not contributing to the Halloween spirit. And that is, of course, unforgivable. As a consequence- I’m blaming you for the fact that every costume shop is infested with sexy this and sexy that and I can’t find my 2 pound vampire fangs. What if I wanted to be a normal ghost, not a ghost at strip club? I don’t, because ew- Who wants to be a ghost? (apologies anyone who was a ghost), but what if? It would require some deep scavenging through many different shops. However, now that I’m done berating you, you have my utmost respect for your costume. Why? First off, whilst it might not be festive, you did go all out. Second, there was probably one annoying boy or girl in the corner casting you a slutshaming side glance and you wore what you wanted to anyway. Wear your latex with pride! As, wise philosopher, Taylor Swift once said: “Haters gonna hate”. Who cares about them? They just wished they looked as good as you.
Movie character:
There’s so much variety in this category that I’m not quite sure how to insult it. On one end of the spectrum we have girls who will spend the entirety of the next day by the sink trying to get makeup and hair dye out of their hands. On the other end, we have the likes of those who wear literal pyjamas and say they’re “that dude from that movie! Don’t you know him?” If you are the latter, let me kindly remind you that that is not a costume. That is nothing but disappointing. Nonetheless, I will admit it’s quite a wise choice if you have nothing to wear because, when questioned, you can just say you’re from some obscure indie movie. Then we look like the uncultured one and you come away unscathed. If you are the Lady Macbeth over the sink. Well done. You have finessed the Halloween. 10/10 for dedication, commitment and creativity. You win.
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