Did anyone ask me to do this? No. Am I doing it with a strong sense of brazen audacity anyway? Yes. Will this article be full of baseless stereotypes? Also yes. Take it as deeply and painfully personal as you wish. Enjoy.
Aries
Alright. We’re starting off strong, which is certainly an accurate word to describe Aries people with. You have great energy and are always fun to be around, but you are slightly terrifying in terms of your aggression. As I write this, I’m filled to the brim with fear thinking about the possible anger this will cause my Aries friends ( I’m sorry. Not really. Honest journalism is our number one priority here at Unpublished.). Yes, you can be slightly over assertive and bossy, but aren’t we all at the worst of times? However, overall you guys are substantially better than others, especially in the humour field. Being funny automatically boosts you up several places. Good job.
Taurus
You’re cool. Plus, you have incredible taste (generally, and yes, this is all generalisation so get used to it). You people have a universal ability to somehow surround yourselves with the best of the best - so, therefore by surrounding themselves around you other people are surrounding themselves with the best. What a great system. A word of advice? Try to tone down the stubborn factor. Or don’t. I feel like you chill people may be too stubborn to take that advice. It’s fine, I’ll continue to place you on a pedestal above other people. However, I did recently stumble upon the fact that Trisha Paytas is a Taurus. Minus points for that. Sorry.
Gemini
See, this one is hard. I can’t just lump you guys into one box. I’m in a constant state of confusion around you people. You guys move at warp-speed, and it is slightly disconcerting. It’s like there are two personalities wrestling inside of you continuously. Terrifying. But, it does mean double the fun. One of the best things about hanging out with you Geminis is that you always have the best gossip, without fail. I’m not entirely sure I can pass a solid, conclusive judgement regarding you Gemini’s. Even I (with my astoundingly strong superiority complex) can’t form a final opinion. Are you great? Are you terrible? Are you just a mystery that no one will ever understand? Who knows. Not me.
Cancer
I’m not sure if I should fulfil my previous promise of journalistic integrity here, due to my outstanding sense of better judgement. Can you guys handle it? I don’t think so. Big apologies, but I’m not in the mood to cause a torrent of tears. I’ll do a brief overview: You guys are okay. Nice enough, funny but a little too sensitive. However, after listening to red (taylor's version, of course), i understand the emotions. Cry all you want, please.
Leo
10/10. Brilliant. Showstopping. Incredible. Talented. Did I mention brilliant? You’re great, but you already know that. Also, possibly, potentially, perhaps you need to also relax ever so slightly and become a little less showy? Some people have the impression that you’re a little self absorbed (how dare they? I agree.) Just a suggestion, don’t take it too personally because, as mentioned, you’re great. What's more is that Leos have big instagram influencer vibes. If you’re not tiktok famous already, you will be soon. Okay, stopping now to swiftly move onto virgo (boring, i know. They don’t hold a candle to you.), but if i could i would sit here and rave about you all day. Love you.
Virgo
You people are surprisingly scary. Not in an oh-help-i-don’t-know-who-i'm-talking-to-gemini way, or in an um-are-you-about-to-stab-me-scorpio way, but in a way where you’re the incredibly clever villain in a movie. Or, you’re the annoyingly intelligent best friend who is just ... there. Not quite main character material, but you’ll have some diehard fans who 100% make edits of you on instagram. You’re not all mediocre though - you guys are really good listeners, and everyone needs some good listeners in their lives. I have my doubts about this part though. Are you really interested in my Saturday night drama that has manifested into Monday morning regret, or are you just judging me? I know the answer. You guys aren’t the worst by any means, but you’re not the best. Meh.
Libra
You are the main character. Seriously. If life was a movie you would be the focus (sorry Leos). To be honest, I’m slightly jealous of you, and so are most people. How are you guys all so effortlessly cool? Libra’s manage to be charismatic, charming, and sociable all in a perfect balance (get the pun? If not then it seems you’re not worthy and I won't spill my secrets). Another plus for Libras is that it’s more likely than not you guys have impeccable style. Despite the endless praise I’m giving out like a gift, I think my envy stops my ability to appreciate Libra’s appeal fully. Overall, you're awesome. Very awesome. Too awesome. Stop, and give the rest of us a chance. Please?
Scorpio
Okay. We get it. You’re dark, broody and mysterious. Artistic. You can reign in a little people, we understand that no one ever understands. When talking to a scorpio it feels like talking to Effy from skins. You be the judge of whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Now, it might seem like I hate Scorpios, which isn’t the case. Hey, we might roll our eyes at Effy (pick a guy (Freddie!!!!!!!) and stop going to raves maybe?) but we all secretly love her, even if in real life she would ignore us. That's Scorpios, pretty much. Scary, highly intense, mystifying but still somehow lovable. Maybe you should try therapy though. Or listen to Ultraviolence by Lana Del Rey.
Sagittarius
To be transparent, I'm deducting points for the sheer difficulty I have in spelling this one. Is it really necessary for this name to be so complicated? Spelling struggles aside, I like you guys. A lot. You’re free spirited, fun to be around, and cheerful (unlike some others … looking at you Scorpios). All in all, the points lost from the poor name choice are regained from the pure excitement you guys bring to everything involved in.Also, good vibes. You people are full of good vibes, which is always a must. Maybe it’s a fire sign thing. You guys want attention, but you know what? It’s deserved. Also, Taylor Swift is a Sagittarius, which automatically places you near the top of my rankings.
Capricorn
Ugh okay. You Capricorns are diligent, responsible and hardworking. These are brilliant qualities, no doubt, but very teacher-esque. Stop being so uptight and just unwind, seriously. This isn’t full criticism though; the world is in dire need of people like you. We can’t all be extravagant Leo’s or main-character Libra’s.Stop the constant policing and have fun. Or you can ignore me and do whatever makes you happy. Who am I to judge (other than a writer writing a piece judging people for things they cannot control)?
Aquarius
If you’re an Aquarius, I like you, and so do most other people. You’re somewhat...different, but not in a bad way. Unique, I would say. Carefree. These are good traits, traits that other signs think they have (yes Pisces, this is directed at you). Aquarians make me nervous. I know what you’re thinking: how can someone as cool and collected as the writer of this piece be made nervous by people? Well, you’re simply just too cool, and when talking to you people feel the forceful need to impress you. I myself am secretly hoping to blow you away with this judgement and impress you more than anything.
Pisces
Okay, we get it you guys are mysterious, and broody, and misunderstood. We got it within the first 10 minutes of meeting you. The point doesn’t need to be reinforced any further, your ‘tortured soul’ has been well and truly introduced. You are probably some sort of artist or musician or actor(if you’re not, consider a lifestyle change). On the other hand, you Pisces are nice. Note the word choice there: nice. Compassionate and pleasant but not too much so. Mediocre. You fall pretty much solidly in the middle of my scale - you aren’t quite hanging lavishly at the top with the Libras and Leos, but you also aren’t trailing at the bottom with the Cancers and Capricorns. Be thankful for that.
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