January
You don’t exist, because I’ve literally never met anyone who’s favourite month is January. Why would it be? Do you not like fun? January is enjoyed only by people who hate christmas and actually habitable weather, so -- sorry -- but you really need to rethink your personality. Don’t try the “but it has new year’s day in it” excuse, because New Year’s Day is, if you’re over 15 (please not below, enjoy your childhood) a day spent with a headache and nausea and a large amount of regrets.
February
February on paper is a really odd month. The reason for this is the fact that it has a weirdly large amount of events, but no-one ever remembers them all. Case in point: Winter Olympics, Valentine’s Day, Chinese New Year, and Groundhog Day, all in the space of four weeks. Plus, February has leap years. If your favourite month is February, my guess is that you’re dead inside and just want a random series of minor holidays to entertain yourself with. Either that, or you’re obsessed with skiing. Both are equally bad.
March
I can't hate on March too much, because I’m a pisces baby, but come on. I feel like it says it all that when I looked up ‘good things about March’, one article’s main selling point was that March is, and I quote, a “great time to give blood.” So, yeah. Unless you really love needles, maybe steer clear. March is statistically the least productive month of the year -- probably because literally nothing interesting happens in it -- and the majority of mine I spend looking forward to my birthday. If you’re not born in March, it’s just irrelevant.
April
I’m concerned that you’ve based this choice off of a love for rain, so I feel like you’re the kind of person who (un)ironically loves Twilight (where the hell have you been, loca?) Hate to break it to you, but deep down you don’t really like April, especially not in England, and you’ve been deluded by all the pretty pictures of flowers beginning to bloom when we all know damn well that April in London is just a constant tsunami of showers and inconsistent temperatures that make it impossible to ever know what to wear.
May
Aw, cute, your favourite month is May. I get why -- the weather’s nice, and you’re close enough to summer that you can find the willpower to get through the rest of school. However, May’s kind of a double edged sword, because we all know that May is also the season of exams. I have a very specific memory of taking my year 9 geography end-of-year exam, and finding that in the 32 degree heatwave, my thighs were firmly attached to the chair and refused to let go. Nothing makes writing an essay about biomes more stressful than becoming one with a hot piece of red plastic. If it helps, studies have shown that people born in May are the most optimistic, as well as being the strongest (?) and biggest (also ? ). So if you love May, I’m a bit scared of you.
June
If you like June, congrats! You’re basic, but also safe, in that June is overall a pretty great month. You have summer solstice, it’s hot, you’re on holiday, and there’s no major events that come with the stress of having to buy presents. There’s also World Milk Day, apparently, so make of that what you will. June comes with Gay Pride Month, which is, on the one hand, great, but also if I have to go another year and watch company instagram accounts make their profile pictures rainbow themed until the minute June ends I may have to throw myself off a bridge. So, summer, yay! Performative activism, noooo.
July
July is your favourite month? Impressive. Very impressive. Seriously, I like the idea of July, but reapplying sun-cream every half hour and somehow still burning? Going to the beach holding two hundred bags of tents, towels, wetsuits, and a packed lunch destined to become coated in sand? Maybe not. If you can hack it, July is great. You must be the kind of person who’s adventurous, spontaneous, and able to thrive in 30+ degree weather. The problem is, I can’t. No disrespect, but we’re not the same breed.
August
“August slipped away like a bottle of wine” is pretty accurate. If your favourite month is August, I feel a bit bad for you, since it always lasts about 0.5 seconds. Plus, if you were born in August, you’re either the oldest or youngest in your school year, which must be a pain. If I’m going to make some guesses about you, I’d have to say; Taylor Swift fan (something about her music is just better in the summer), went through a phase where your favourite colour was yellow, you may have entertained a childhood passion to become a surfer, and you really really liked ‘H20, Just Add Water’ as a kid. No judgement; you seem fun.
September
Ew ew ew. September isn’t really a month -- September is just the painful, crushing weight of school settling upon all of us. If you can separate the horrors of homework from the (small) enjoyment that the beginning of Autumn affords, I respect you. But September lasts way too long to be fun; you say it’s your favourite month, but honestly, a week in, I bet you kind of want to die a little. If you manage to get through it with a smile, wow. You should also probably think about applying to Oxford or Cambridge in the future, since you’re just the kind of workaholic they’re looking for.
October
Hi. I’m glad to see you reading this one. If your favourite month is October, welcome to the club of superior humans. October is undoubtedly the best month, so you’re undoubtedly the best kind of person. I mean, it has everything. Best weather (cold, but in a fun way, and full-on autumn), best holidays (Halloween, obviously, and the Day of the Dead, if you want to be extra spicy), best clothing (I really like tights, sorry not sorry.) It’s literally a month dedicated to dressing up and eating sweets. So, if October calls to you, come find me and let's be friends -- we have a right to feel better than other people.
November
November is kind of meh. In my opinion, and this whole article has been my opinion, it’s arguably a slightly less exciting October. Guy Fawkes’ night is a fun idea, but really actually quite annoying if you’re trying to sleep, especially since the British population seems unable to grasp that it’s one night, not an excuse to launch fireworks sporadically through the month. Maybe you like it because it’s got Hanukkah, Diwali, or Thanksgiving, and for that, I can’t complain. But if not, it just seems odd that you wouldn’t prefer December or October -- they’re the same, but better? I like November, but it’s not my favourite. I guess you’re simply not like other girls.
December
Your favourite month is December? Good. I could berate you for choosing the obvious, but I love December too much for that. Yeah, it’s kind of everyone’s semi-favourite, because Christmas (duh), snow, New Years Eve, etc, but I like that you don’t let that deter you. It’s also a time of freezing your face off, so well done to you for trying to love that part too. I bet you’re the kind of person that likes baking, candles, and rewatching Elf or Gilmore girls for the billionth time. You know what? Do it with pride. December people are good people.
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