After 7 years of being remarkable, respectful and courageous, the time has finally come for the upper 6th to leave. May Miss Whitby and Dr Carter finally experience peace.
Unlike many student’s heights (you know who you are), a lot has changed since year 7 and now we are being faced with the question of where our futures will lead...
Loosely related to this train of thought, as we move on to new lives and the rest of the school has to cope with our absence, the Unpublished team thought we could all use some guidance from our teachers.
Therefore, for the last time, we have interrogated our staff to find out what they wanted to be when they were younger and how they found their way to Iffley road.
(we are aware the sample of teachers is a lot smaller than usual - no hate mail pls - we’re doing A levels and are very fragile)
MISS JOSEPH:
Starting out almost as strong as her calves, we have Miss Joseph who talked for a good 3 minutes straight on all the aspirations of her youth. Initially she expressed her childhood dream to be an 'air-stewardess' which was soon crushed by the 'air-craft height restrictions' and the realisation that she ‘did not want to wait on miserable passengers.’
She also explained how she dabbled in the prospect of hairdressing for a while ‘but now the thought of touching someone’s scalp makes her want to vomit’ and she sees no transferable skills between hairdressing and PE teaching, despite the similar shape of a netball and one’s head.
Miss Joseph rounded up this ted-talk with her assurance that she has wanted to teach ever since 6th form due to an inspiring teacher and hopes she has the same effect on some of us. (*Looks around with disgust at the athletically challenged unpublished team) ‘I clearly haven’t inspired any of you have I?’
MISS GRAHAM (Geography):
Another child prevented from following her dreams due to height discrimination was young Miss Graham who ‘really wanted to be an astronaut’ because she ‘thought it was cool’ but just missed out on greatness because ‘you have to be 5.3’ and she is ‘5.2’.
Not sure why this is a rule, but the geographer insists she has researched and checked this fact extensively. ‘I was so close!’
Miss Graham has since learned that the rules have been changed and ‘now they allow all kinds of disabled people’ (interesting way to describe the short) but ‘now she’s too scared to do it.’
‘I’d rather explore down here than up there.'
DR. BUNTING:
Physical deficiencies really seem to be stunting Godolphin’s staff’s career paths as Dr. Bunting unveiled the ‘trauma’ of being told she could not be a ‘ballet dancer’ because ‘her ballet teacher said she had strange arms.’ More discontent than a revolutionary when there is a bad harvest, this history teacher proceeded to go on a vengeful rant about how she still does not know ‘what was strange about them.’
Dr Bunting also added that she was ‘rubbish’ at ballet which suggests to me she may be lying to herself about her arms being the reason her ballet career did not take off.
MISS GARCIA:
We have a second failed showbiz star in Miss Garcia who ‘wanted to be a musical theatre actress’ but ‘wasn’t a strong singer or dancer….which is obviously essential’
The distraught starlet thus ‘came to the conclusion she was a better instrumentalist’ but now manages to ‘fill the void to a certain extent through yoga.’
She still clings onto the pride of being able to ‘do the splits’ though, which no Musical director can take away from her.
MR DAVIES (History):
It appears Mr Davies has long been waiting for someone to ask him this question, as the history teacher practically sprung out of his seat as he began to tell us about how he ‘wanted to be Jimmy Greaves’(old footballer). Words more passionate than those of a radical chartist orator, he insisted that I specify that he wanted to be him - ‘not a footballer- I wanted to be him.'
The historian claims that this ambition is perfectly feasible as ‘he is very good at football’ but conveniently was not present at Staff vs. Student football this March.
MR CASTLE:
Another very specific dream belongs to young Mr Castle, who wanted to be a ‘surf instructor’ who also ‘worked in a waffle shack in woolacombe.’ However, this hope did not very get far, as he actually ‘doesn’t like the sea,’ which he apparently had not anticipated would cause any difficulties in this path, and also is ‘very scared of sharks.’ Luckily he still gets to experience the depth of the sea through Mendelsohn’s use of the double basses in ‘Calm sea prosperous voyage,’ as all GCSE musicians will know.
MISS ANTEBBI:
In true ‘US personal essay’ style, Miss Antebbi recounted the challenges she overcame and personal growth that took place to get her where she is now.
Before her tree-talking days, this college counsellor ‘wanted to be a singer’ but soon realised ‘she had to change her dream’ after her Dad broke the news that she ‘could not sing’.
Crestfallen, she started channelling her artistic passion through poems and actually reveals that she has 'several published short stories and poems' — A Yale worthy tale of resilience and perseverance.
MISS TAYLOR:
At this point Godolphin might as well become a publishing house with the amount of teachers doubling as writers. Loyal to the English teacher aesthetic, Miss Taylor ‘wanted to be an author’ after being inspired by the 8 hour long BBC Pride and Prejudice adaptation. She now unveils her second job as a ‘published writer for the Telegraph’ - which I hope involves a lot of Victorian men on horses, hiding their feelings in the rain.
She also described how vehemently she tried to resist the inevitable English student to English teacher, pyramid scheme pipeline, as she comes from a ‘long line of teachers’ and ‘no way in hell’ was going to follow this path as well. Yet, like Macbeth, she could not escape her fate.
MRS MOULE:
Like a good P.E.E paragraph, Mrs Moule expanded upon and developed the staple English teacher dream of wanting to be ‘an author,’ going one step further by saying ‘she wanted to be Enid Blyton’ which she claims is ‘a work in progress.’
As you would know if you have been a dedicated Unpublished reader, we have already uncovered Mrs Moule’s side hustle writing career in September’s article, so the Blyton transformation is looking promising. (word on the street is that she displays a particular aptitude for poems about old dogs)
The poetic prodigy did not stop there - going further to share her ‘current entrepreneurial idea’ of creating an ‘Enid Blyton world’ theme park. Mrs Moule then went on for a long time passionately showcasing some polysyndetic listing, describing in detail the many different slides and roller coasters she has planned out for it - which we won’t disclose here in case anyone steals her ideas.
‘If anyone would like to go into business with her’, she is eager for you to ‘let her know’.
MR GRIFFIN:
Another extremely realistic and practical career dreamer was young Mr Griffin who had his heart set on being Father Christmas. He remains confident that he possesses the ‘innate general benevolence’ that made him worthy of this job and has kindly provided us with photo evidence of his commitment to the gift-giving life.
He then immediately undermined this sweet and friendly vibe, laughing in a typical Mr Griffin un-benevolent sounding villain chuckle, when asked why he did not go down this career path.
‘For obvious reasons. What a stupid question!
Mr Griffin at his peak
MR GRIMBLE:
Slightly more down to earth in his job aspirations, Mr Grimble wanted to be ‘an archaeologist’ because he enjoys ‘something quite technical but also to do with discovery and uncovering’ which he now fulfils through the riveting EPQ process.
Whilst he still displays an interest ‘in human remains and skeleton work,’(??) he explains that as he grew up he ‘found his calling as a student of literature’ but continues to consider himself ‘an archaeologist in many ways’ as English is all about ‘patient excavation,' the only difference he can see being ‘less soil.’ The literature loving teacher then analysed the parallel skills both jobs required, including ‘imaginative input’ - which he feels he has.
MR JUVAN:
Mr Juvan was very reluctant to participate in this Unpublished article, bitter about his unjust labelling as a ‘grinch’ back in our Christmas piece, but eventually could not resist the opportunity to announce his desire to be 'a palaeontologist.' Although, this does not really count as a child-hood dream, as he ‘still genuinely wants to be one at some point,’ inspired by ‘Jurassic Park’.
MISS VANTINI:
This will not come as a surprise to the classes of Miss Vantini who have generously been shown many Italian movies (particularly by Fellini) in lessons, but this English teacher wanted to be ‘a film director.’ Despite ‘her love of literature taking over,’ Miss Vantini remains assured that she ‘still has what it takes’ to be a director as ‘the visual strength is still there’ (said while she was wearing glasses)
MR GOLLAND:
Feeling confident of his suitability for the role due to his extensive knowledge of the ‘geography of wildfires’, Mr Golland unveiled his childhood - and current- dream of becoming a fireman, inspired greatly by Fireman sam in his youth. Although, whilst he has no doubt that ‘there is still time yet’ for this ‘career change,’ he believes in the ‘importance of never trying things you have the potential to do’ so that you can 'always have that hope.’
MISS WHITBY:
When asked this question Miss Whitby let out a wistful sigh, describing how she ‘really wanted to be a vet,’ but the ‘dream died’ when she was a teenager and she had to give up her hopes because a ‘family friend told her not to’ so she obviously couldn’t.
Looking back she now thinks that she ‘wouldn’t have liked all the gross farm stuff’ but remains jealous of her cousin who successfully became a vet and ‘got a free kitten’.
The chemist would also like to gently remind our readers that the Upper 6th bought her a pan after she expressed her desire for one in the last Unpublished teacher article and she now ‘really wants a kitten’... Lower 6th take the hint
A cat would also be a useful addition to the 6th form common room for mouse hunting purposes.
MME PALMER:
Always very thoughtful and heartfelt with her Unpublished answers, Mme Palmer wanted to ‘be a nurse’ because she ‘really liked the outfits’ and had a costume with ‘the little upside down watch that hangs off your pocket’. However, like Miss Whitby’s hospital hopes, this dream died quickly once the french teacher came to the realisation that she was ‘hopeless at science and quite squeamish’ which were not 2 useful qualities within the nursing sphere.
MR CORISH:
Originally answering that he wanted to be a ‘theoretical physicist’ but then going home and realising this was ‘not his true dream’. Mr Corish emailed me, after checking his facts with his mother, desperate to set the truth straight, revealing that he actually wanted to be an actuary. A what? Good question. After conducting some research on what an actuary is, I am concerned as no 10 year old should ever dream of being ‘a person who compiles and analyses statistics and uses them to calculate insurance risks and premiums’ …
MME HALLS:
Finally, Mme Halls had some trouble telling us her honest answer, afraid we’d discover that she was ‘so geeky we wouldn’t believe it,’ but she actually wanted to be ‘a teacher from day 1’ because she ‘loved being at school and didn’t want to be in a different environment.’ Though I have no doubt she was indeed the geek she tells us she was, posting this on my last day of school ever, the nostalgia is starting to kick in and realistically I would not be surprised if in a few years I am back on Iffley Road, begging Dr Ramsey to employ me.
So there it is, the last ever teacher interviewing article of this Unpublished generation - which I have no doubt will come as a relief to the staff body as literally every single one of them instinctively responded to me approaching them with a distressed 'oh no- no- not again.’
It’s been real guys.
Stay troublesome,
Unpublished xx
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